This is for the days when my heart hurts like hell, pulsating with a fierce, fiery pain.
This is for the days when I bite back the tears, trying so hard to swallow them whole.
This is for the days when my soul feels heavy, so I slump my tired shoulders down…
This is for the days when getting out of bed feels like a bad-ass, award-winning achievement.
This is for the days when I tremble with anger, my temper on super-short hairline-triggers.
This is for the days when I feel empty, useless and invisible like an actual ghost.
This is for those really tough days.
The days that rip me wide open, leaving me naked and exhausted, shivering in the dark.
The days where I just want to give up.
I want the wind to blow a bit harder to force me off the cliff I’ve been hanging on to.
The days where I want to run and never stop.
But, I can’t.
I can’t run. Or hide. Or give up.
Because if I did, the only person I would be running from is myself.
I would be giving up on myself.
Hiding from myself.
So, yes, I can try to bail and haphazardly fling myself under a fast-moving bus when the going gets tough…but the thing is——I actually need myself the most on those ridiculously tough, trying and terrible days.
I’ll stick it out.
I don’t need to understand what I’m feeling…God, I’ll always have questions.
I just don’t need to analyze it.
I just need to stay and support the crap out of myself.
What can I do? What will I do?
I can be bold and dive right into the toughness of the day, feeling the icy water drip into my heart, freezing to form incredibly beautiful icicles.
I can run directly towards myself, sprinting with wide open arms, with a supportive smile and a glass of red wine.
I can buy my battered soul a big bouquet of wild flowers.
I can take time and cry a thousand crystalline drops until the skies clear and my salty tear-rain has passed.
I can run my soul a frothy bubble bath, slip into mile-high lavender bubbles and take a breath.
I can retreat from the world, burrow under my down blankets, sigh, moan and just hurt.
I can ask myself, “What can I do for you right now?” And make it happen.
I can curl up into a ball and cry into my pillow for as long as I need to.
I can cue up an angsty, melancholy playlist and scream until my heart slips into a soothed state.
I can reach out, take my own hand and squeeze it hard.
There are a thousand beautiful things I can do to support myself.
So I vow to never abandon my sweet self again. Ever.
Because, yes, somedays are incredibly tough.
But I guess they have the potential to have potential, too.
They can be transformative and beautiful and filled with inspiration.
Hell, somedays can turn out to be exactly what I need.
So, I’ll be bold and say I’ll stick around.
***Inspired by “C”- the individual who gave me way too little, yet just enough. You will always mean more to me than you were ever supposed to. Never settle. Know you’re worth. Never stop reaching. You are more amazing than you realize. I wish you light and love in all you do. And I promise, just for you, I will never stop searching for that teeny tiny bit of hope***