Serendipity: (n) Finding something good without looking for it.
In a world where nothing is guaranteed and life is so incredibly uncertain…I knew. Honestly, I’ve always known.
Our story is such a long one that I don’t know how my words could ever do it justice. My memories are where the deep feelings are hidden but I’m going to try to explain how I got to where I am.
I wasn’t ready for you back then. Hell, I wasn’t even looking…but something pulled at me to email you back. You were busy getting smarter in Texas for a few weeks so that left us with nothing except technology. No rushing. No awkward first date. Just two people getting to know one another slowly and beautifully.
You were nothing that I thought I had wanted but the pull was strong. You had hurt yourself running and the very next day after being away from home for a month, you came to my office so my Boss could look at your leg. I was so nervous but the moment I saw your face everything just made sense. It was you.
You were a surprise — one that I wasn’t prepared for.
I knew that there was some sort of connection between the two of us, some undercurrent of energy that went beyond what the logical mind could explain, and for a while that was enough for me to know.
Then, life changed in the million and one ways that it tended to — and suddenly, without warning, I found myself in love with you. I guess maybe the signs were all there but I still felt that I was the last to know.
Ironically, as I try to think back and remember when I first knew I had fallen in love with you, I can’t actually remember when it happened. Perhaps it was the way you held my hand or the night you made me your favorite dinner or when I wrapped my arms around your waist while you did the dishes.
But still, I don’t remember falling in love with you…only that sometime during the heat of that summer, I suddenly discovered this well of love within myself with depths that now seem unfathomable.
Now, I realize that it’s always been you.
Even when I walked away from you (praying you would chase me but you didn’t) and eventually found other men to distract me from the way your brown eyes would burn into mine — I see now that I still never really left your gaze.
Although I have said bitter and harsh words to you, I now know that I never meant any of them. It was just that you always had a way of triggering me and challenging me with your bouts of silence and lack of answers.
And through it all, I never really expected it to be you — in fact, in some ways I was hoping that it wasn’t because I knew I had lost you to someone else while you were a million miles away and I wasn’t there to fight for you…for us. We were really over.
However I remember our last night together and as we laid there talking about life and where you wanted to retire to down the road and feeling your hands trace my body in the darkness — I was simply and honestly taken aback when I realized and suddenly thought: “Oh, it is you.”
As strongly as I felt in that moment of clarity when I was laying by your side and in your arms — I don’t know if you had the same experience or not.
Perhaps there was nothing truly special in anything that happened that evening or in the way the dim light created a golden curtain as my hair fell around your face when we kissed. It’s possible that our fingertips were simply spelling out lust against our bare skin rather than love — and afterward, I became anxious about that: What if you experienced the evening in a completely different way than I did?
But then I realized — it didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter if you felt that tingling of love start ringing in your chest as my body was pressed against yours, nor did it matter if you had regret what happened or not.
Because before the evening was over, I was already thinking that even if all we had was that night — then I would still be eternally grateful for it…and for you.
You are the love that I never saw coming, the one that I tried to run away from and close my eyes to because I was scared of what you would ultimately mean to my life and how it would have to change if you met me here in this place where anything is possible.
Baby, I don’t know what the future will hold, and I don’t know when or if you will ever really figure out what place it is that I occupy within your heart, but the thing is that I trust in the magical way that life works out.
I truly believe that if you are the one who is meant to stand by my side, then one way or another, you will find your way here to me.
And just maybe, if or when that time comes, I’ll find out that it’s me — and that it always has been.
I Love You,