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It’s Still Not Over

I know you and I have both said that it is over between us more times than we can count, but the truth is we weren’t over then, and more importantly, it’s still not over now.

When you first came along dancing into my life like a wild hurricane I was struck by the audacity of your spirit. You paid no attention to my ego or my fears. I was mesmerized by the way that you looked at me. It was as if you saw me more clearly than anyone ever had. And in that moment, you had me. Maybe it wasn’t at hello but it was definitely by our first kiss.

Reaching up on my tiptoes, almost as if it was a dare from the universe, to see if what I really wanted was truly within reach. The moment that my lips touched yours was enough to send electricity rippling through my body, changing each and every aspect of my soul forever.

In that moment, I stopped being who I was and instead, without even knowing, I ventured out into the journey of who I was meant to be all along.

But we were human – and like so many, we messed it up.

I said things that were hurtful because I couldn’t hold you in the way that I wanted to and it chased you away. It’s difficult at times when we meet someone who touches a part of our soul in a way we never even knew possible, and though we all would like to hope that when the time comes we will be ready for it, the truth is many of us aren’t…and I knew you weren’t.

Even though all I wanted was you, each and every part of you, sometimes it just hurt too deeply to live within your galaxy as only a spectator. I wanted not just the stars but the sun too.

And you only gave me silence.

And so we came together and fell apart more frequently than the eclipses of the sun and moon, yet just as beautifully. Sometimes we knew what we were doing was wrong — and at other times it seemed that being together in those quiet moments were the only times we were actually getting it right.

But still we never actually seemed to be in the place to truly see what could grow if we both decided to stay — if we both chose each other.

You were so good at running and often let your insecurities wrap you up like a blanket when I was simply trying to keep the smell of you on my clothes…in my hair. Yet even then, I would hold the soft strands to my face breathing in the scent of you, letting my eyes fill with tears and wondering how something that felt so right could possibly ever go so dismally wrong.

But I guess we both had a lot of growing up to do — not because we weren’t adults, but because neither of us truly knew who we were and if we were using the other as a scapegoat from reality, or if we truly held each other’s heart in a way that differed from any other lover we’ve ever had.

And you moved on a million miles away, growing as steadfast as an oak tree and reaching your roots far into the earth, finding the place you wanted to occupy in this brilliantly chaotic life.

As each day passed, you grew stronger and more determined in your ideals, you became more confident in your words and along the way, lost the need to have me be a part of your life because “she” fit neatly into it.

I drifted between heartbreak and daydreams, unable to find another to replace you and the part of my heart that you had lived in for so long. I came close, and each time I met someone new I thought that maybe he was meant to show me that what I felt for you was never love at all. Yet each time all that happened was to remind me what was so special about you — and us. If it’s possible I grew to love you even more deeply in your absence than I ever realized I did in your presence.

And maybe we will once again choose to let this go and never really give it a chance. But that doesn’t mean it’s over, or that it ever will be. Because it’s not. All it takes is one bittersweet glance for either of us to read all that still lingers between your energy and mine.

Still when I look at a picture of you, the only thing I ever want to do is curl up beside you with your arms around me so that I can feel your heart eccentrically beat against mine while I kiss you until we are breathless.

The reality that I’ve come to believe is that we needed to be over as many times as we pretended we were. We needed to try to move on, we needed to see what life was like with others when we didn’t have the daily reminder of each other, and we needed to build our lives.

But now I think that we have finally not only reached the place that we were destined to be all along — but I also think we finally arrived in the place where we are ready for one another. Or at least as ready as we’ll ever be for the kind of love that can change our lives forever.

Maybe we weren’t ready when we met, and perhaps it’s because of that we fell into the kind of love that there isn’t ever any recovery from. Sometimes time doesn’t heal all wounds, every so often it just makes it obvious that certain people won’t ever leave our hearts.

And now I know without a doubt that you won’t ever leave mine — because it wasn’t over for me then, and the truth is it still isn’t over.

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