I’m going to start this blog out with one of my all time favorite quotes:
“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” – Elizabeth Gilbert
And my story goes something like this:
I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. I don’t really know when it exactly happened, but somewhere in between our intense eye contact and wiping my tears away as my walls came down that I spent years crafting, I crashed into him fully and never looked back.
My heart was unguarded, and I gave him all of me. Our souls were alive when we were together – we were like two little kids seeing the world for the first time – being with him multiplied all the good in life and changed me forever.
However we were complicated people, him and I. We weren’t simple. Our minds were analytical and imaginative and we thought about everything. A lot. We ended up making every situation in our life about 100x more difficult than it had to be.
We argued a lot. I fought with him at inopportune times, but my anger was fueled by my passion and emotions for him. I cared deeply. I loved him deeply. I loved all of him. I loved that I was the only one he showed certain parts of himself to, he gave me all of him.
I wiped away his tears and loved nothing in this world more than holding his hand and whispering words of reassurance in his ear. I knew he wasn’t broken, just a little bent. And I loved all of his edges, all of his roughness. His imperfections were perfect to me.
I confronted him a lot. I’m not the type of girl who nods and laughs and is always comfortable. I wasn’t easy — as in, I didn’t just “go with the flow.” But that’s because I craved more from him – I had opinions and big dreams for our future, I wanted the best for him. I never put up with not getting everything I deserved. I never let him get away with slacking on his talents or putting in effort towards our relationship because I knew what we had. And he was never left uninspired or unsatisfied.
Not too long into our magic, things started to turn. The fireworks combusted, leaving us burned and confused. We wanted it so badly that we thought there was a logical solution to working out our differences. But there wasn’t.
The truth is, he just wasn’t ready. His past, his demons, whatever the reason was, he started to push me away. He loved me in a way I had never been loved but he still wasn’t ready. And that was the hardest thing to accept. I knew I had to let go because you never ever have to convince or inspire someone to do the work to be ready.
I thought I couldn’t live without him, but my heart had finally started to beat again. He broke my heart open and new light got in, he made me so desperate and out of control that I had to transform my life, and I did.
I thought I would grow old with him, but sometimes, life has other plans. That doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving him. When someone touches your heart, they will infinitely remain there.
I had so much anger and pain, it was gnawing away at me, slowly destroying me. But then I realized our love wasn’t the kind that results in the fusing of two lives into one, it was the kind of love that gave me new life, that taught me much more than a happily ever after ever could. And I don’t regret a second of it.