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My Passionate Love

There are very few people in the world who would wait for someone. I know this because very few have for me.

There are very few who would put their lives on hold for another human being, in hopes that the person would one day change and notice what they have in front of them.

Nonetheless, that’s exactly what I did for you.

You were my first passionate love. I know this because nothing ever compared. When we met, I didn’t want to give in but when I finally did it was like nothing I ever felt.

We started strong, doing things we never thought we’d do for anyone else. I’d wonder how I ever got so lucky.

Every time we were together it was impossible to leave. And that night, we talked for hours until I could wish you a Happy Birthday at Midnight was special.

The days we didn’t see each other we would count the hours until we did again, and we’d give in to days that we weren’t planning on seeing each other because we couldn’t handle it anymore.

I started to feel things I didn’t think possible, like jealousy or the need to be with someone every day and that was scary. We were beautiful, not perfect, but beautiful.

Then it ended.

The weeks leading up to the end I felt a distance, a disconnect. I felt as though you were suffering and that made me suffer. To me, you didn’t deserve to be sad. I wanted to make you happy at all costs so I chose to let you be as I thought that was what you wanted. You chose to let me leave.

The end was hard, but even when it ended, even when we broke up, it didn’t quite feel like it would be the last time. The weeks following were harder.

I felt like someone punched my heart and it sank to my stomach. I was empty, like an important piece of me was missing keeping me from feeling whole.

But still you contacted me. Your pattern was every couple of days. Like it was just enough to keep me close, just enough for you to still have me.

That gave me hope.

Even if we weren’t officially together, it made me realize two things: We have this bond that still existed when we removed the relationship and you are the absolute love of my life.

Reality struck me a few times that summer, but I still stuck around, not giving in to anyone else. You didn’t want a relationship. You didn’t want anything so serious. You weren’t going to budge but I still stuck around.

In my head, something so rare, something like what we had, some may never find. If they do, they are lucky to even have it once. It was worth fighting for. I would do anything to have it…to keep it.

You would tell me you loved me but not in a relationship. You said you never pictured yourself ending up with anyone else other than me.

That was enough for me to stay.

I waited until I was numb. I waited even after all the broken promises and false hopes and all the destruction. I waited after everyone told me how crazy I was to hold on to a man who simply doesn’t want me because you said you couldn’t bear to see me with anyone else.

I stuck around when I found out you were sleeping with other people while I was rejecting dates. The simple thought of someone else who wasn’t you touching me sent shivers down my spine.

Taking time and truly sitting down to think about why I did all this, I could finally put it into words.

I waited for you because, even though you might not think so, you were someone worth fighting for. Even when you don’t give yourself a lot of credit, you’re one of the nicest, most genuine people I have ever met.

I waited for you because I was hopeful you would keep your promises. When you would tell me nothing happened, I believed you. I waited because if you kept me around, talked to me in some form every couple of days and still had sex with me, it meant something, right?

I waited because to me, it didn’t matter what I was going through in the present; our future together would be perfect. I waited for you because I knew I would never feel this again with anyone else, and even if I did fall in love again, I had already felt the greatest love I would find.

Waiting for you literally became like putting my hand in a fire. It was painful, but there’s always that rushing sensation you get from a burn. I would get that rush then get hit with a harsh reality and have to heal for several days. After that burn would heal, you would somehow make it okay and I would start the process all over again.

It was definitely an addiction, kind of like when you see an insect going toward a light. The light looks beautiful and vibrant and the mosquito can’t stay away, but in truth, going too close to the light with hurt. Be deadly, if you will.

That’s exactly what you were, what you are.

You were the only person I wanted to talk to in the morning when I woke up, at night when I went to sleep and in the middle of the day while I was working. You were the first person I wanted to talk to when something good or bad happened. When I was having fun, you were the person I wished was there and the only person I wanted to share funny moments with.

You were the love of my life and I waited because something as strong as that deserved a happy ending. I would have done anything for you, and I did do everything for you.

One day, you’ll realize I would have waited not just a year, but a lifetime for you.

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