I have things to say to the world. Well, to me the world may be just one person but nonetheless, words need to be be said. The problem that I seem to be having is that the words aren’t coming. They are simply looming under my surface and making me so incredibly sad. On some level it could be the bottle of whiskey that has found a home between my thighs as I take sip to sip or the promise I made to my “world” of silence — or…no more words. Endless streams of water leak from my eyes and still I can’t think of a single line to a poem, or a song lyric or one damn witty thing to write. Could it be that my promise of silence is something I’m taking to heart or is it something entirely different? Do I have TOO many things to say? Are my things sad or are they mean or could it be that they are my truth? Are they his truth?
Big sip of warmth followed by clenching of my eyes.
I never have big things to say. Just little things that cup my heart or make me feel things good, bad or indifferent. Hey, it is Christmas, at least. Do I want to say things about that?
Nope. Not really.
I do wonder what they’ll be doing on Christmas? Will it be as I always imagined a Christmas morning with him would be? Coffee sitting by the tree opening the few little cutsey things we would’ve gotten for one another? Giggling and joking between turns. Eh, probably not. I’d be surprised if they even had a tree there. But will they wake up in the same bed and wish each other a Merry Christmas sealed with a kiss that was meant for ME? Nope…pretty sure the military wouldn’t let them do that either.
Why am I so mad? Is it that he chose her instead of me or is it that I just don’t get the guy? In the end it’s all about the prize, right? Well, IS he a prize? Most would say no…no way…not a chance. Anyone who picked some random chick over a sweet hearted girl like myself wouldn’t be be considered anything other than a douchbag, right? Well, I honestly don’t know. I just spent 45 minutes on the phone with Wendy in hysterical tears and drunk beyond words trying to explain to her WHY he’s not a scumbag. (For the record, she didn’t believe me.) I sent him an email pouring out my heart and soul and he gave me his usual response…silence. This shows lack of caring on his part which is a clear cut answer for me as to where his heart lies.
I had big plans. I had big dreams. I had huge promise for the two of us. How many ways do I need to show a man my heart before it’s considered pathetic? Desperate? Useless? I’ve exceeded that amount by at least twenty as of yesterday. How many ways does he have to turn me away? This answer should be one…but no…not Kristen Stadnicki…I’m a warrior, a fighter, a game changer! I demand WORDS TO BE SPOKEN not the silent treatment. Silence proves cowardice not a manly response. I’ve never heard him say, “Please, Kristen, don’t love me. I’m in love with someone else. Stop emailing me….” I say goodbye and he remains quiet because he knows me well. He KNOWS I’ll be back around in a couple weeks and he’ll have someone to come home to. Partly, he would be right. Love would keep me grounded.
(I’m probably going to throw up soon. Thanks, Mr. Daniels.)
In closing, an ex-Marine friend of mine just told me to wrap my hands around the situation and make it my bitch. Hmmm…..I think these are wise words considering he doesn’t take any of my shit. Especially my tears seeing as how he’s been in love with me for 20+ years. I guess I’m not so unlovable.
I’m about to put myself to bed as this day has beaten me up pretty good at this point. In closing, I’m going to love who I love and if he chooses to not love me in return that’s just going to have to be okay. I know I won’t be lonely long and while I’m busy being happy he’ll be busy still being silent….as cowards always do.
P.S: Please excuse any typos…I’m drunk.