As I was jogging today my mind started to wander about how far I’ve come in a year. As most of you know I fought off demons, lived through TMS, drove almost clear across the Country, relapsed and have finally begun to see all of the remarkable light.
What you may not know, as it wasn’t something I plastered on Facebook – maybe because that would have been harder to do then opening up about my illness, was what I call the most remarkable love I’ve ever known to a man who loved me like a dream.
At least I thought.
Military Guy took me for one hell of a ride which is what spun me out of control of my life. Never, and I mean NEVER did I think that I would give that sort of power to another human being but love is crazy. It takes over your heart, mind and soul. So as we were moving along blissfully and planning for a future he felt it was acceptable to lie and to cheat and to deceive. This was all done very well on his part…gotta give him credit…but once I put love aside and could see through the haze – I broke.
This blog is not about how he destroyed me. No. No way. It’s about where I am today in my journey and how I didn’t need him in order to save myself from drowning. Pain is a very personal thing that everyone must endure, however once it’s experienced you are a part of community of sorts.
This is what I learned in a year:
What you have to remember is not to let it encompass you. You hurt, you grieve, you get up and you move forward. Do not let it make you unkind or hard. It will be easy to feel bitterness and cold towards everything and every one but it will never be okay to hurt someone in the same manner.
We’re human. We break. We make mistakes. We choose incorrectly. We cry…a lot. We bleed. We ruin friendships. We hide from the world. We listen to sad songs. We lay on floor wondering why we never get answers.
And when we think that the sadness is just too much and we’ll never find a love so amazing again, just remember, Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Those reasons why you feel so weak are also the same ones that make you stronger in the long run. Life is nothing but a series of lessons.
So over the passed couple of months I decided to let go. For real this time. Not like the twenty-six previous times. He’s not coming back. He’s deployed to Cuba at the moment and won’t be back until next Spring so I’m taking complete advantage of this time. I’m on a strict diet, I’m surprised I don’t float away from all this water I’m drinking and I run. I still run mostly to the Military Guy’s designated sad song playlist but only because it fuels me. I see his face in my mind and it pushes me through the burn. With my hair stuck light glue to my face from sweat…I just keep going.
I am absolutely not doing this for anyone but myself. But I’ll be damned if I ever see him again and he doesn’t regret letting me go.
Light & Love,