Friday started out on a fairly regular note. I woke up, chatted with Dad, checked my email, etc. No problems. Right after dinner, about 6:00 pm, something happened inside of me. Maybe I heard a song, or saw something on TV, or perhaps a memory floated through my head but I snapped. It wasn’t slow, it was quick. I started crying hysterically rocking myself back and forth in a full blown panic attack. I managed to calm myself down to a point where I could think like a normal human being. I took a shower, a long one, just to try to cleanse whatever evil was in me away. It was one of the most super scariest things that has happened in quite a while.
I sat downstairs waiting for my Dad because he’s usually home on Friday nights. The clock was moving slow as I sat in the darkness. I got sad again really fast but not as bad and the next thing I knew I was opening the kitchen drawer with the knives in it. I examined them all for sharpness and made my pick through my tears. I walked back up to my room and placed it in my nightstand drawer.
It was getting late and I was pretty tired but I was trying so hard to wait for my Dad just to talk about SOMEthing to shake me out of my own head. I went to take my medicine which I do every night but instead of taking 3 blue ones, I took 8. Instead of 1 tiny white one, I took 4. And so on. In my mind I knew this couldn’t be enough to harm me due to my past research of mg to weight ratio. I just wanted to sleep. I put them all in my hand with my water bottle in the other and knew I had to do it all at once. I nearly choked.
I slept with my door open that night in case I was wrong and I needed to wake my Dad quickly. I laid down on my side with pillows surrounding me in case I got sick I wouldn’t choke in my sleep. I cried and hummed myself to sleep. My Mom use to hum all the time so that’s what I do when I’m scared. This was a little after midnight. The next thing I knew, I opened my tired eyes at 4:20 pm the next day. Sixteen hours later. Did the world look different? Nope. Did I feel different? I couldn’t yet tell. I was still sleepy. I ate something and went back to sleep for a few hours. Today, I feel perfectly fine. Perfectly fine and scared to death all at once.
One positive thing came out of all my terror on Friday. It’s been such a long, long time since someone cared about where I was when I didn’t pick up the phone. He was terrified something happened to me and because I’m still keeping our budding romance a secret, he wondered how he would even know if something was wrong. And as he sits here next to me playing with my hair – I realize how lucky I am to have him. Some people don’t have anyone and that was me for a very long time but I’m getting better. My heart is getting better.
Light & Love,