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A Letter To Myself

Sweet Kristen Jae –

I know.  I know how hard this life has been for you.  I understand that you don’t think anyone in the world could possibly relate with the torment that has showed itself to you – but you’re wrong.  I’ve been within you since life was given to you.  I was there when God hand picked you for your parents to raise into the amazing woman you have become.  I’ve been there through it all.  Every skinned knee, your first grammar school crush, your first bits of shame through the high school years, your marriage that sadly never stood a chance (I tried to tell you!), the debilitating crush of losing your Angel Mother. I was there with you in the months that followed while you tried to pick up all the shattered pieces of your family, I sat with you while you cried yourself to sleep every night, I was there when you thought you had fallen in love and again when you actually did, I helped carry you through the loss of that love many years ago (that was super hard, huh?), I’ve been with you through all your darkest times when you picked apart how ‘these things kept happening to you,’ the days when you refused to eat and the pain in your belly was super unbearable but you remained strong, the days when you would wake up at 3:30 am to get your first run of the day in and then again after work (boy, were we tired!), the days that you knew your self-worth was based on the number on the scale, the nights you felt like an utter failure because you HAD to eat those 4 bites of chicken at dinner.

I was there through it all.  I felt every sting of pain, every rush of self-loathing, every tear that fell either loudly or quietly, every time your clenched your heart  because you simply wanted to rip it right out, every bit of numbness that surfaced, the nights that never seemed to end.

I know.  I know your struggles, your grief, your torment, your ridiculous ability to pick the worst things out about yourself and focus on them for the longest time.  I know how people have disappointed you. They say they love, they say they’ll stay, they say they care – but they all leave. Every last one of them.  They’re all gone.  You are officially alone…except for me.  I will be with you through it all.  Every storm and every rainbow.  I will be your best friend and I refuse to walk in any direction that isn’t in complete sync with yours.  I’m stronger than anyone you know and I’m telling you, Kristen Jae, that I. Will. Stay.

I know.  I know you’ve felt love again last summer.  It was beautiful and no, you’re not wrong for believing that it was.  But it’s over, Sweet Girl. You have to find it somewhere within you to release what you now know was never yours to hold. Take your time with this. Please don’t rush it. This love was like no other and you have to take the time to mourn it, to remember it, to smile at it’s good parts, to get mad at it’s bad parts, to remember the sweetness of it’s intimacy and passion, to find fault with the man who promised to stay but didn’t (yes, you must fault him for this, Lovely), this man has doubted you and ignored you and lied to you and hurt you and broken you, he has known your pain and struggle and still found it effortless to turn his back on your broken soul…leave him in your past, Precious Girl. Continue to send him light and love when you think of him and leave him in a place you would never expect to return to – this I beg of you. If time brings this man back to you it must absolutely be when he is ready, do not chase someone who has walked out of your life when you needed them the absolute most – let him leave as he is of no good to you at this juncture. If and when he returns you will make the right choice as to weather or not your delicate heart could potentially bear another break like the ones in the past. This will have to be good enough as he isn’t meant for your current journey.

I know.  I know what you have been enduring these past several months. I’m saddened to say that you’ve thought about Heaven quite a bit.  So much as planning how to quietly sneak out of this world and into the next. Sweet Girl, please….it is so hard to watch you sit with these thoughts – tears streaming down your beautiful face – trying to figure out a way to not hurt anyone by moving on to the next life.  You can’t do this as there are people that will feel your loss so heavily.  Just because your family and friends don’t show they care in a way you would like doesn’t mean it’s not there.  The same goes for your recent Love…just because he can’t love you the way you need to be loved right now doesn’t mean he isn’t loving you the best way he knows how.  That must sting, I’m sure, but I’m telling you the truth.  There is love there…you’ve felt it even after your separation as have I. He simply cannot give you the dynamics of love that you’re used to.  He’s not built that way.  He doesn’t hold the passion, the intimacy, the sensitivity. He’s not for you, he is for someone who desires less in a relationship.  Let him love that girl as there is someone God has been planning for you.  Someone to make all your pain disappear and all your broken pieces fit back together.

I know.  I know what you do at night.  I know how you sit in the dark.  The silence is deafening.  I hear your quiet tears falling quickly one after the other.  I see you holding the scissors and scraping your arms.  Then when you felt braver the razors would cut you so easily. Then when the wave hits, the tears get louder and the cuts get deeper.  I see what you’re trying to do. Please stop your thoughts from going to that super dark place.  You can be loved.  Yes, someday someone will come into your world and they WILL stay. Yes, you are worthy. You have exactly what someone else is seeking. You are not only a beautiful kind soul but a beautiful woman as well.  There are so many people that want the best for you but you can’t see through your pain.  Try.  Re-building the bridges you’ve burnt will take time, surely, but now is not that time.  Focus on waking up each and every morning.  Wake up knowing right down to your bones that you are fierce. Know that you are strong.  Know that you are deserving. Know that you have been through darker battles before and have come out the other side a stronger more secure woman.

I know.  I know this is all very hard to believe right now.  You’ve got to trust me.  I’ve never let you down.  I’ve never left your side.  I’ve never not taken care of you. When life gets tough – the kind of tough that seems impossible to get through – read the following passage I’ve found for you…out loud:

I’m here.

I love you.

I don’t care
if you need to stay up
crying all night long, I will stay
with you. There’s nothing you can
ever do to lose my love. I will protect
you until you die, and after your death
I will still protect you. I am stronger
than Depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Love,

A Stronger You

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