Today marks one year since I started a relationship with the military man. He pursued me pretty hard as I wasn’t interested in a guy who had three jobs, no weekends to spare and frankly didn’t feel a spark for. But he did not quit and soon I decided to give him a shot. He was training in Texas for a few weeks so we corresponded 24/7 via text – I don’t know how he actually learned anything.
Once he came back we met and stood in an empty parking lot talking all through a Wednesday night. He told me about his deployment that wasn’t scheduled until the following March and wanted to make sure I would be strong enough to handle the distance. I assured him that if we were still together in nine months then he was probably stuck with me for life.
Time went on and we never saw one another so I ended the relationship. He didn’t want me, he wanted someone to want him. And I did – very much. I fell so in love with him that picturing me without him would take my breath away. You would think that after he lied the first time that I would figure it out. Or the second time? Maybe the third time? Nah…I was willing to overlook it all because love had me wound so tight. I thought I could love him through it all.
One year ago today, June 3, 2014 – military man began breaking my heart into a thousand pieces and I finally knew what that kind of pain felt like. I remember the following days, weeks, months that went by so fast yet ever so slowly…I felt I had been living with this pain forever. I let it completely envelop me, so much so that I had forgotten who I was without it.
I wouldn’t walk away from him even after the way he treated me. He could lie, he could ignore me, not return calls, stand me up…and all he had to do was say he was sorry and that he loved me. That’s what kept me holding on to this man. He loved me. That was all I needed to know.
I listened to the playlist on my iPod I made for him with all the songs that made me think of him. The one full of sadness and angst that every girl creates after a heartbreak.I felt my chest tighten as the lump in my throat appeared, but the tears never came.
I think now that I know the kind of person he really is down to his heart, his soul and his core – I can’t be sad about losing him. In retrospect, it wasn’t actually a loss…not for me, anyway. It was his.
It’s been one year.
And I’m doing okay.