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Strangely Conflicted

Hello friends,

It seems since I’ve returned home that nothing feels the same. Yes, I’ve made some changes in my room which I spend most of my time, but there lacks something more. Dad and I have been spending more time talking which is new but a great thing. I keep forgetting that I’m leaving on my cruise in eleven days and a part of me doesn’t want to go but the other part of me actually feels like I NEED to get away. Get away from what? I haven’t had any interaction with a single person outside of texting since I’ve returned…why? Thinking back on the numerous things I’ve discovered about myself while on my road trip there are two that have hit me the hardest.

The first being that I’ve finally let go of, walked away from, removed from my life a love that possibly would’ve been or wouldn’t have been rekindled upon his return from deployment. It took me a while to see it as a healthy move and not just something I did because a friend finally got through to me. As I’ve said previously, a love that is meant to be will be but in its own time.

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The second thing I’ve realized about myself is how much a part of PTSMC (Physical Therapy & Sports Medicine Centers) was in my life. Having to leave my position after over six years has been like a raging storm everyday inside my head. I was encouraged to leave after I had such success with TMS therapy as there was no way of knowing how much stress my mind could take through the remission process. A relapse was something I wasn’t willing to throw on the gambling table. TMS was my miracle. However I can say that I had no idea how much of my identity was lost since I left. Who am I if not a part of PTSMC? What do I do now? I feel like I’m walking around in circles with my head down trying to find my way out of a different sort of darkness. The group of people I worked with were my family. Hell, we may not have liked each other everyday but if it came down to it, there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done to protect, defend, encourage or help anyone of them. That’s what family does and I miss them. And I miss the patients. And I miss who I got to be with them. At the end of this story I know I did the right thing for my health by leaving however it doesn’t change the crappiness of it all.

So that’s where I’m at currently. I feel stronger now that I’ve let go of something that didn’t want to be held on to, yet I’m slightly lost as to what my next step is in life. Things to ponder….

Light & Love,

Kristen

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