Hi All –
As I sit at the hotel room’s desk I can’t help but to question why they hung this giant mirror right above it. I suppose it has something to do with what is looking back at me.
~~There’s a girl who has tired eyes. Red blotches all over her face. And for the past few hours, endless tears falling down her cheeks and dripping onto her chest. She looks disappointed. Her eyes just stare blankly back at me.~~
This journey was about finding myself. Trying to locate the little pieces of myself that magic nor medicine could help with. Trying to weed through the garbage and the ugliness that used to take up space within me and let the light shine through.
I feel as if I have failed. Failed it all. Failed everyone who believed I could. Failed myself.
It’s time to start my journey home. Perhaps this wasn’t the best time to take this trip. I don’t think I was ready. The truth is that I have spent more time crying then I have been enjoying the world pass by me. I still have quite a bit of “hard stuff” I carry around with me and I can’t rectify that on my own. Recovery is harder than I thought because at the time I had this great, amazing trip in front of me and I was going to do it. I was going to do this super scary thing.
“I can do hard things,” I would tell myself. Hell, I even believed it for a while. On a sadder note, I made other people believe it. It’s not true.
So, I will travel the next two days to Virginia to see Tommy and his family but then I’m going home to take care of what remains of my remission. I have a lot to work on still. And I’ll do the work because I’m tired of hurting the people I love. My family, my friends…maybe I will be able to get them back when I learn how to be a good person again.
I will continue to blog until I return home as that is the deal that was made when I was told I could take this trip. I have a feeling I might get an “I told you so.”
In closing, I apologize to every single person I hurt while I was hurting.